Face The Facts
by MeridaFaeScott
Summary: Sometimes reality is harsh, but that doesn't mean you don't have to face it. Sometimes reailty might break you...That doesn't change the facts.


**I've been absent, I know… This is unedited. Just something I had to get written down. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

It was moments like that, that Caitlyn could almost convince herself he had feelings for her. When he looked at her and smiled during a song, when they happened to glance at each other at the same time from across a room, when she said something that made him laugh…

It was moments like that, that hurt the most. They showed her what she couldn't have-what she was missing. What she so desperately wanted. They were friends, nothing more. Caitlyn tried desperately not to act as enchanted by him as she truly was.

He was friendly, polite, funny, and all around amazing. She knew he was too good for her, and maybe that's another reason it was so bittersweet being around him. He was everything she wanted, and everything she didn't deserve.

Such a bitter, sarcastic, paranoid, jealous, and blunt person as herself didn't deserve him. He was sweet, she was bitter. They were very different, but somehow very much alike, too. They got along well.

But he didn't have feelings for her, and she didn't deserve him.

When Caitlyn wasn't around him, it felt better- looser. Like she could get past it and move on eventually. It was just a crush, after all, and would eventually pass. In time, it would fade until it was completely gone. Which was good, since he didn't feel the same.

All the certainty, self promises… It all came crashing down around her, though. Whenever she saw his inviting smile and sparkling brown eyes, Caitlyn suddenly wasn't so sure anymore. Every time she saw him- even in a picture- she'd fall all over again, knowing it was helpless and would only end in disappointment.

The worst part of it was her automatic mindset. It was possessive. Possessive in a loving way, but dangerously possess just the same. He was hers in her mind. There was no other way to explain it. She knew she didn't really have any claim, and she _knew_ it was only in her mind she could refer to him as hers, but it wouldn't change anything.

Caitlyn knew she had no right to feel the painful jealous that boiled inside of her whenever he exchanged conversation with a girl she didn't know (and she didn't know most of his female friends). Maybe it was the not knowing if he liked this girl or if this girl liked him that bothered her.

Whatever the reason, she couldn't help but feel her stomach turn and bite her cheek to remind herself that even if one liked the other or the feelings were mutual- she had no say, nothing to complain about. It wasn't her place to feel jealous-not that it stopped her.

When songs began reminding her of him, she knew she was in trouble. Couldn't she even simply listen to music without his handsome face appearing into her mind? These songs were far too light hearted love songs to fit the situation she was in.

Caitlyn often caught herself day dreaming about him, which bothered her at first because it wasn't like her to get dreamy. She was a realist once. He had somewhat changed that. There was no way they would ever be together, but she found herself hoping. Was she still a realist when she dreamed of the impossible?

There were fleeting moments when she thought that maybe, just maybe, he could feel the same way for her. She was, after all, different from most girls. She stood out. She wore loud clothes, spoke her opinion, and didn't care what other people say about her. Those weren't bad qualities, were they? Maybe it wasn't so hopeless.

But it was, and reality would always come rushing back in a cold, angry wave before long. It would hit her like a wall whenever the girls hugged him, and he smiled. Obviously, they were prettier. If nothing else, they had that over her. He'd never choose _her _over the other girls.

Caitlyn couldn't seem to take her eyes off of him as he wondered the room. She would watch him almost constantly, training herself to be casual and inconspicuous about it. No one knew a thing- how could they? She hid the secret in the deepest compartment of her heart. It would pass.

Even when someone else talked about him, or mentioned his name, it made Caitlyn smile- at least inwardly. She hardly ever talked about him or spoke his name- she was afraid that if someone heard her say his name, they'd hear _everything _she thought of him in her tone.

It was stupid. She loved and hated the feelings. They were pleasant, but left her with dread. She knew she didn't deserve him. She knew he'd never feel the same- so why did she choose to feel for him? It was against her will that she did.

She never told anyone, because she knew it was foolish. She didn't want to hear false encouragement. She didn't want to admit that he was possibly her greatest weakness.

So she suffered alone with her secret. She watched as he smiled, played and sang with his brothers, laughed, talked to other girls. She pretended not to notice the way her stomach flipped when he smiled at _just her_. She ignored the way her heart pounded when she knew she was going to see him. She let pass the moments that she felt so overwhelmed with her feelings for him that she wanted to let them spill to her closest friends.

She kept it to herself. Because she didn't deserve him, and he could never feel the same way.

It was her secret, and she'd be humiliated if he found out. She'd feel exposed. Weak. Stupid. Childish. No one could find out. No one could suspect- even those who usually could guess these things hadn't a clue.

He wasn't hers, and he never would be. She had to face facts.


End file.
